The unattainable hate

Feeling a lot of pressure on this post because I have some pretty big shoes to fill so bear with me…

I was going to attack this post in a totally different way. All semester I’ve been wanting to write about this, but I was waiting for the anger to subside and any motivation I had for revenge to go away.

To make this less confusing, I’ll give a little backstory. This semester, I lived in a house with 7 other girls. So, yes, legally, it was considered a brothel. Everyone had their own room, besides myself and my best friend at school. Long story short, there was some of drama and basically I was the one left out, which was fine, I had my other friends. I got in a falling out with one of the roommates and when that happened, I kind of lost touch with my best friend, and needless to say, it sucked. There are 3 characters in this story. Myself, my “roommate,” and my “best friend.” 

That being said, here goes nothing: 

Life is constantly in flux. People come and go, say what they need to say. Some people stick around, and the others walk right back out of your life. It happens. Yesterday, I finished up my first semester of my junior year of college (still in denial). Not only did I wrap up my first semester, I wrapped up my time at UMass for the year. As I’ve mentioned 2394273 times to my followers on various social networks, I’m hopping on a plane come January and heading to Cape Town, South Africa, and I still can’t believe it. 

UMass always seems to have surprises in store for me, and it most definitely provides me with the best stories to tell. This semester was different from the rest. REAL different. It challenged me in a different way than anything has ever challenged me before. 

I’ll come out and say it-people like me. I’m not trying to be conceited, but I think we all know the general consensus of what people think of us. I’ve never really dealt with drama, with friends, at least (because my last post was a boatload full of drama). I’ve never dealt with people really gossiping about me, or outwardly expressing that they dislike me. I mean, sure, there was that ONE time I found a note that my friend Keira wrote about me in Mr. Knasas’s room when I was 16, but that’s about it (love ya, Key). Well, this year I had to deal with that. I had to deal with listening to people talk about me, I had to deal with people outwardly showing that they really don’t have any regard for my existence, and worst of all, I had to deal with people coming in between of me and my best friend.

I hated it. I would cry for hours, wondering what I did, how I could fix it, and what I could say or do to make it all better. I’d like to call myself a strong person, but all of this was making me feel so weak. I was told I was insecure and unhappy with myself by one of my roommates. I knew that wasn’t true, but I started to believe it. I started to believe it because by the way I was acting, I was totally proving her point. I soon realized that I needed to stop proving her point, because that was exactly what she wanted. That was exactly where she was getting all of her satisfaction from. I was letting her define me, and she loved it. I post all of these blogs about “being happy” and “loving yourself” and I most certainly wasn’t listening to my own advice. I blamed her for severing the relationship between me and my best friend but, the only person at fault was myself. 

Did this girl treat me with respect? Absolutely not. It was hard for a while. However, I can’t change what this person thinks of me, we will always be in a constant battle of who’s right and who’s wrong. The right/wrong battle never gets you anywhere. Sometimes you just have to accept your differences and move forward. The only thing that I could change was the way that I reacted to it. There were multiple times were I wanted to say I hated her, but then I realized I couldn’t. How could I hate someone that I once shared so many laughs and memories with? It’s impossible.

The two phrases that people use far too loosely are “I hate you,” and “I love you.” Both hate and love are extremely powerful words, and I think that they should be used sparingly. You can’t fall in love with every single person you date, and you also can’t hate every single person who brings you down. If I loved every single person I dated, I think I would be classified as a “stage 5 clinger,” and if I hated every single person that brought me down, boy, I would live quite the miserable life. So, before you say you “hate” someone, realize what your saying, because odds are, you’re far from it.

Even after this, I still felt like I hated something. If I didn’t hate my roommate, then what did I hate? I just felt like something was missing–I mean, I guess I’ll admit it. The entire time, I knew exactly what I was “hating,” but I just was too stubborn to admit it. I was absolutely hating the fact that I had thought I was losing my best friend. This friendship that had once meant so much to me was slipping through my fingers because of my reactions to someone else who I can’t control. To be honest, I didn’t really care much for the girl who told me I was insecure, that ship had far sailed, but the fact she was coming in between me and someone I actually cared about bothered me. I didn’t really care that they were becoming so close, it just bothered me that I was letting myself get so worked up over it. I hated it so I just kind of stopped caring all together. I stopped trying to salvage what was left of this relationship because I didn’t want to deal with it anymore. Yet, it always still lingered in the back of my mind because life certainly isn’t the same without your best friend. 

I was kind of stuck in this weird purgatory with my emotions all semester because of this. My desire get things back to normal didn’t seem to be outweighing the burden that I was carrying in my mind. We did sort of get back to normal, but I still felt like I couldn’t look at her the same. She felt distant and it killed me every single day.

But, last night changed everything. I was saying my goodbyes to all of my roommates, hugs all around. I saved my best friend for last, because I knew it was going to be an emotional one. We looked at each other and both broke down; it was one of the saddest yet most relieving things ever. It felt good to finally be able to spill all of our emotions without having to say a word. We wrote each other notes, and reading hers on the way home made me cry even more. I wasn’t crying because I thought I had lost her as a friend forever, I was crying because I realized I was wrong all along. I was wrong that I was losing her. I was kidding myself that either one of us would ever let some stupid drama or stupid gossip get in the way of what was once such an amazing friendship. 

Best friends don’t have to be the very best of friends all the time. You’re gunna go through shit, but at the end of the day, a best friend is someone who you would do anything for, at any given moment, no matter what the circumstance (Am I getting to corny? oh, well). You will always have that unspeakable bond that no one else will understand, now matter how hard someone may try to break it.

To broaden my point a bit: drama is stupid, so try not to get involved. I know, it’s hard, I’m a girl too, and a dramatic one at that. I let my emotions get the best of me sometimes.That’s OK though, I can’t expect to prance through life expecting everything to be easy. I’m as guilty as the next girl in the sense that I’ve said some pretty mean things about people, but it’s something I try to avoid for the most part. Furthermore, don’t let stupid drama get in the way of a friendship that is of way higher significance. When someone says something about you you don’t like, take a step back and try to widen your perspective a bit. Are you going to let the opinion of one person define who you are? The answer is no, no you are not because you are in charge of defining yourself. Remember that.

I’ve learned a lot this semester. I’ve learned a lot about myself as well as other people. I try to live an honest life, but I also believe that being honest with the intent to hurt someone else isn’t OK. Bringing it back to the preschool days when I say, “treat others how you would like to be treated,” and, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” Simple as that. If you live a kind life, you will most certainly live a happy life. However, I know that not everyone shares the same viewpoint, which is cool too. If they did, Joe’s viewpoint wouldn’t have gotten me over 7000 views, am I right?!  I guess the main thing I’ve learned this semester is: A life full of drama is a life full of dissatisfaction. Drama is only drama if you make it drama…ya feel me? Control your reactions and you can control anything.

So, roommate, basically what I am saying is Thank You. If you ever read this, thank you for making me realize what really matters in my life and putting a lot of things in perspective. Thank you for making me see first hand the right and wrong way to treat people. And, finally, thank you for talking about me in 2 of your blog posts, because as much as you say you don’t care, that shows that you still do, because I don’t think I could ever completely stop caring about you either.

And as for you Alli, my best friend, I love you forever.

P.S- I know this entire blog sounded like I am in a lesbian relationship with Alli, it’s alright though, I’d call her my girlfriend any day! (Sorry, Neil) 

One thought on “The unattainable hate

  1. As someone that had a run in with some mean “friends” yesterday and ended up in a little ball of tears with my childhood stuffed animal, thanks for the post. Today was my last day of first semester junior year (also in denial/ freaking out about the impending doom that is the real world) and I’m definitely having a difficult time understanding why problems I never had in high school are arising now. You are definitely not alone in a that situation.

    Like

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